Puella Magi Harem Magica
by thofheinz
Summary: This is an early Christmas gift for all shippers. All of the possible harems of Puella Magi Madoka Magica are described here, with new information about your favorite magical girls. Yuri lovers are especially invited to enjoy these harems.


**PUELLA MAGI HAREM MAGICA**

**Madoka's Harem**

Homura chimed in, "Is anyone in this harem except me?"

Kyoko laughed. "We're all in her harem. All magical girls are in her harem! It doesn't matter whether we're straight or anything!"

Sayaka shook her head. "Since when did I go from 'best friend' to part of a damn harem? Since when did little Goody Two-Shoes have a harem, anyway? I mean, I love her and everything, but I don't want to do anything weird."

Kyoko looked at her. "You don't?"

Mami chimed in. "I think it's great we can all be together! I have cake!"

Mami then proceeded to take a three-layer cake from between her boobs.

Homura objected. "Why rub it in? Madoka wouldn't want you to."

And then everyone ate Mami's boob cake.

The End

**Homura's Harem**

"After all the shit I've seen, I've had it with relationships. I've had two hundred yuri friends in the past, because I haven't had male friends, because this is a magical girl show and there are no men. (Kyubey doesn't count.) The first time I made a real friend I had to kill her, then say goodbye while she merged with the cosmos last timeline. Even with my shattered emotions, this was traumatizing. On top of that, I have had to keep going to high school for over a millenium.

"Even if the yuri stands, I don't like any of you. I will only protect Madoka. Understand that, people. You're alright, but you're not that special.

"And by the way, I don't want a harem because I'm having enough of a "dyke" image problem to begin with, and I didn't ask for it. Why is Kyoko supposed to be more feminine than I am? Just because I don't have Mami's mammaries, does that make me less of a woman?

"I'm going to have some tea by myself, now. Don't follow me or I will shoot you dead. And that means every one of you, especially the little beady-eyed, sidewinding piece of worthless space shit Kyubey."

Kyoko replied. "That was the biggest bunch of unasked-for trash talk I've ever heard. Of course I'm more feminine than you are! So was Sayaka, of course, who would have done better to be a bull dyke like you instead of fall in love with that little violinist turkey! And Mami's boobs, I hate her for that, but you shouldn't take out your petty unhappiness about your boobless chest on the rest of us!"

Homura said, "Why are you interrupting my rant? And how are you here? This is my monologue. And I told you I wanted to drink tea alone. Wait a minute. There is a group of grotesquely adorable high schoolers here with "K-On" written on their shirts. Oh, I see. This is the timeline I'm in. I am in Moe Hell and going into Kawaii overdose. Oh, they offered to let me play in their band. I play a mean marimba.HeHeHHHHHHUHedHeHejnbh"

But the next day, Homura woke to find all of the other magical girls crowded into her bed, sleeping, and eighty-seven yuri-loving fan girls lined her walls, staring at her and wondering what all of the magical girls would do with each other. "No!" Homura yelled, and leapt out of the window in a "Michael Bay" fashion, with explosions trailing behind her. To her horror, she realized that all of the other magical girls were also leaping from the window, and on landing in the street, Homura was immediately crushed as they all fell, led by Mami, whose breasts nearly suffocated her before she was crushed. The last thing Homura remembered before passing out was all of the magical girls dancing around her in the street, throwing flowers and sending pictures of her all around the world from their cellphones, as doujinshi contained to spread day after day.

The End

**Kyoko's Harem**

"Alright, everyone!" Kyoko addressed her harem.

Suddenly, Sayaka turned into a cross-dressing male midget. Mami turned into a blond man with a big gun. Homura transformed into a hermaphrodite Goth.

"What the hell is going on!?" Kyoko exclaimed with the full force of her anger issues. "Aren't you supposed to be my harem of magical girls?"

"I'll be in your harem," midget Sayaka said in a tiny voice. "The problem is, I don't know from moment to moment whether I'm a guy or girl, and whether or not you're standing, I won't reach above your knees."

Homura nodded. "Yes, I have a problem too, but it might be one you want, Kyoko. I'm a hermaphrodite, so you don't have to choose. That seems to suit you."

"WHAT?" shouted Kyoko, with her anger issues leveling up to Two. "Do you think I have sexual identity problems?"

Mami nodded. "Certainly, but since I am a girl trapped in a man's body but I am also a gay girl, so you're not the only one. But I do have a big gun. Look!" Mami pulled down her pants and unzippered them, revealing a six foot-long musket as everyone got a nosebleed and fainted.

"Oh no," cried Sayaka. "I'm turning into a giant lesbian man!"

As Sayaka grew, the Earth couldn't take her unnatural height and it hurtled through space to crash into the Sun.

"But what about my harem?" Kyoko complained.

Homura shouted, "I'm sorry to abandon this wonderful harem, but I'm saving my ass and jumping to the next timeline."

But Homura did not manage to do this in time to avoid going from hermaphrodite to sexless. And that's what she was throughout the series, if anyone had bothered to ask.

The End

**Sayaka's Harem (In the Void Between Worlds) **

After poor Sayaka was eliminated from the world's memory, she found herself transported to the last two episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion. All of that show's characters had just left, so she had the whole place to herself.

Suddenly, she was a crudely made line drawing and a background was being drawn behind her. Whoever the artist was, they had clearly run out of money. Kindly enough, though, the artist decided not only to eliminate Kyubey from her story, but also to eliminate him altogether.

A voice said, "We're sorry about what happened with that little piece of shit violinist. Your heterosexuality pushed you over the edge."

"Yes," Sayaka said, "and now I'm being shipped in all kinds of weird ways. I'm the yuri cutting-edge."

The voice said, Go over to that corner and sit in that Hard wood chair. Don't worry if a spotlight comes on and makes you visible to everyone while you can't see them in the total darkness around you.

Sayaka said, "What else is new?"

So she went and sat in the chair.

Homura's voice came from the darkness and scolded her for every single thing she'd ever done wrong in her entire life. Then Homura slapped her and asked her what she had to say.

"Bite me," Sayaka said.

Then, Mami's voice came out of the darkness and asked her why she wasn't happy with being cute and why she didn't like being a magical girl, because Mami died before the horrible plot twist came about following the plot twist where Mami got her head bit off. Why aren't you just happy to be with your friends? Why is it that a lot of Madoka Magica fans hate you because you endured horrible suffering and despair before losing your mind and committing suicide by becoming everything you'd ever been against in your entire life? Does that make you a bad person?

"There's a lot of Hitomis out there," Sayaka said. "They're petty, hypocritical, shallow, unreflective, and afraid that they will get what they deserve in the end. And secretly lesbian like Hitomi, and just a bunch of bitches."

That's so mean! Mami said. I see why everyone hates you!

Mami's voice went away and the loving voice of Kyoko took its place.

Kyoko asked why Sayaka didn't become a lesbian so they could have a relationship, or at least the kind of close friend you can sleep with even if you're wearing pajamas. Kyoko also asked Sayaka whether she knew that Kyoko had saved her, and whether she thought that was worth becoming a lesbian for.

Sayaka said, "I know you would have been a wonderful friend, but I'm not sure I was cut out for any kind of love life, by that point."

All of a sudden, all the magical girls and Sayaka were in a high school classroom, laughing. They laughed and clapped and sang and jumped up and down about absolutely nothing, the way that they would do in moe, kawaii slice of life school dramas.

Sayaka smiled at her friends. "You know, I hate myself, but I could learn to love myself."

All of a sudden, all of her magical girl friends, including Madoka, were standing around her clapping and saying congratulations for her mental breakthrough.

"Thank you, everyone!" Sayaka said.

The End

**Mami 's Harem**

"Oh, I love having a harem!" Mami chirped in glee. "All of my beautiful cute sweet fun kawaii magical girl friends are here with me! Today, after tea and cake, we will cut out lace patterns, create ribbon ornaments for tiny cloth cats we make, create an article of clothing that keeps any boy from seeing our panties, and measure our growth while grabbing each others' breasts from behind like all the shows about kawaii moe sweet cute fun beautiful girls like us!"

There was a strange silence among the other magical girls. Homura stared at Mami with half-closed eyes as always, ominously tapping her foot. Sayaka did the same. Kyoko also did the same. Eventually, everyone was ominously tapping their feet.

Sayaka said, "Did you say measure our growth? Why do that? What growth? Everyone but you is flat-chested."

Kyoko shouted, "Yeah, like Sayaka said!"

Homura shook her head. "I know what you've been doing, and you've been doing it a long time."

Mami asked, "What are you talking about, Homu-chan?"

Homura growled, "Don't use that name, as I've told you many times before. It sounds like a constipated cat. Let's get back to the subject at hand. Don't think we haven't noticed that every time you're around, our breasts get even smaller, which is hard because we didn't have any to begin with. Meanwhile, you are knocking down walls with your boobs, and you didn't even try to smother Kyubey with them. We know you are stealing Boob Power and funneling it into your own powers, including the new ammunition in your musket."

"New ammunition?" Mami said innocently. "What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb," Homura said. "I've found the boob-shaped bullet holes you've left behind, so I know you're using our stolen boob power to create Boob Bullets. Isn't that right, Mammary?"

Mami cried, "You're so MEAN! I wouldn't do that!"

Homura, Sayaka, and Kyoko began to walk toward her, and Mami backed away. She saw Boob Envy in their eyes, and rage over her secret efforts to gather all the boobs in the world for her Master Boob Gun Plan.

As Mami ran outside, she collected the boob power of all the women she passed, making them boobless, and the crowd of angry boobless women increased until Mami's breasts became the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Her nipples formed a new mountain range.

The End


End file.
